Dust Mites: A Bad Rap

Have you ever heard a recording of your voice, like on an answering machine? It's never the most flattering . . . I can never believe its my voice . . . I don't sound like that . . . who is that? I mean, I know my real voice is much deeper, much more masculine.

Or have you ever seen a picture of yourself, or worst of all -- see yourself on video, and thought, "Yeah, that's flattering. I'm a lot uglier, fatter and dumber in real life . . . excellent picture . . . great photographer." I see a picture of myself and its like, "ARRGGHH!"


You folks heard of dust mites - those microscopic things that live in your bed . . . in your carpets. They eat dead human skin flakes. I mean, how do you think dust mites feel? There they are, minding their own business, not hurting anyone, not making a peep, cleaning up after us . . . we cant even see 'em . . . and next thing you know, they are up late watching TV infomercials, and the announcer comes on: "Millions of dust mites are living in your bed right now . . . and they look like . . . THIS!" And then a picture of a towering, ferocious dust mite is flashed on the screen.


I mean, you may be a little uncomfortable with the sound of your voice, or think a picture is a bit unflattering, but imagine how a dust mite feels! And come on now -- how did they get that picture? "OK, he's sleeping, lets get the picture . . . " And the infomercial producer is like "that's not very scary, can't we put some fake fangs on him, or give him a fire-breathing dragon look? I don't want PETA on our ass." "Don't worry, we'll blow up the picture 54 million times, and then doctor it in Photoshop."


King Kong's got nothing on these dust mites! He'd be crying like a sissy at first sight!


And why do dust mites get this bad rap? Apparently, they make us sneeze; some people are allergic to them. Excuse me, but these little guys are chomping up and cleaning away our dead skin flakes lying all over the house, and these infomercial guys want to boil them alive with a steam cleaner? Dust mites are like toilet paper for dead skin. Do we enlarge pictures of toilet paper 54 million times and Photoshop them to make them look bad? I don't think so.

And dust mites are even more advanced than toilet paper. Dust mites are like toilet paper on autopilot. They clean up your waste without you having to lift a finger -- you don't have to do a thing.

You have activist groups fighting to save polar bears, crocodiles and sharks. They kill people. They eat people. Who out there is going to stand up for the little guys - the dust mites? PETA? The Hollywood elite? Jon Stewart? Ben Affleck? Nowhere to be seen. Barack? We can only hope.


This fight has just begun.